more emotional rambling

lest you think the lack of emotionally-charged posts on here are a sign of health & wealth, let me just negate that notion right off the bat.

i've been a basket case this week.

and i just recently had the thought that i wish there were someone else who felt as angry & depressed & emotional as i feel - that somehow things would be better if someone else would join me in my misery. but then i realized that's probably how terrorists or mass murderers feel which is why they lash out at others - to try & get people to join them in their hellishness.

i don't want to be a mass murderer, so i'll just share my feelings on this blog & not force anyone to stoop to these lows with me.

earlier this week i spent a few days feeling really low & depressed - another month of no baby. we're one month shy of it being two years of trying to get pregnant.

i had made an appointment with a ob/gyn to at least get the ball rolling & see if there are some answers to the question of why we can't get pregnant. nick dutifully went to his own appointment this summer & was given a good report - all his little swimmers are swimming merrily & healthily. so now it was my turn - but i cancelled the appointment.

we've had a couple of 'discussions' about that, revolving around nick thinking i should have gone and me thinking i shouldn't have...

here's the deal. after taking a good hard look at our financial situation, we both agreed that even after nick graduates in 3 semesters, i'll need to keep working at least 2 more years after that. with a double income for 2 years, we're hoping to pay off student loans & get out of debt. the alternative - nick working & me quitting, results in us probably paying off loans & debt for somewhere around 30 years. hmm... let's see, 2 years... 30 years... it's kind of a no-brainer.

but it's also depressing to me.

as far as jobs go, being a high school art teacher is my absolute favorite. but i don't know if i've mentioned this on here before or not - i just really don't like being a career woman. i don't feel like it fits my personality & temperament very well, and my heart's deepest longing is to stay home & raise a family. since we haven't been able to have kids so far anyways, it hasn't been much of a sacrifice to keep working - especially since it's getting nick graduated & well on his way to being an elementary teacher. but should the day come that we do get pregnant, it's depressing to think i still have to work for 4 more years before i could stay home. and the thought of going back to work full time with our baby in someone else's care makes me incredibly sad.

so i think i'm partially withdrawing from the idea of pursuing anything that gets us on the path to figuring out why we're not getting pregnant. it seems like it would be majorly emotionally painful to have kids and also be working full time.

then on top of those emotional undercurrents, we have the obvious financial constraints. going to an ob/gyn once isn't that big of a deal, but it will most likely lead to ultrasounds, blood draws & hormone level checks (or whatever they might be called). lots more money involved. i have health insurance of course, but even the deductible is not something in the budget by any means.

i know these seem like surmountable obstacles if our #1 priority is having a family. people always say it's never the right time to have kids but if it's what you want, you make it work and it's worth it.

and believe me, it's what we want. so, so much.

but then there's the whole spiritual aspect. what if god is working his timing into this scenario by not letting us be pregnant right now for a reason? what if his lack of intervention in our fertility is on purpose and not just one of those mysteries of life like world hunger or cancer, bad things that happen for who knows why?

i have serious issues with working towards making things happen that seem like they aren't being allowed to happen.

case in point - my husband. we didn't even meet until i was 28, but was i ever ready to get married before then! and am i ever glad i didn't! i can not imagine myself married to anyone else.

but on the other hand, if we followed that logic of accepting every condition or situation as from god's specific design and if we did nothing to move in any direction, we'd have no need of doctors or scientists or anyone who figures things out & makes the world better. 

i'm talking myself in circles. which is how i feel right now, confused & emotional & uncertain of what to do. which is why i cancelled the appointment. i feel stuck.

wouldn't it be nice to just be told what to do?